The concept of home

Ever since returning back to Denver from New Hampshire I have been a bit unsettled. It was almost like visiting New Hampshire and realizing that it was no longer home accentuated the fact that Denver is not home yet. I have not settled in Denver yet. I have a bedroom and bathroom in one part of the city but boxes of my things in storage units through the city. 

It has made me think a lot about what home is. Is it a physical place or is it where your heart is? For me, home is more of a feeling. A feeling of safety, comfort, order, harmony, family. I do not know if I could ever be at home in my heart without having a physical home. One of my favorite things to do at my home in New Hampshire was to come home to an empty house on a Friday night and catch up on all my shows that I missed during the week. I would relax on my soft microsuede couch with an blanket over me which would always leave me with cold feet. That is home.

Every Sunday I would go to the grocery store early and spend the day prepping my meals for the week. I would cook all day until my feet hurt from standing too long and my hands were raw. In the fall and winter I would stand hunched over the over making chilli or soup and comfort baked goods. That is home. 

I drove past my condo in New Hampshire while I was there. I wanted to make sure it was still intact. I have great tenants but being 2,000 miles away anything could happen. Pulling into the driveway that I pulled into for five straight years was strange. It was no longer home. I was completely detached from a place I called home for years. 

Since New Hampshire was no longer considered home, I was anticipating an intense feeling of 'home

 when I came back to Denver. As I was turning the keys in my door, I didn't get that feeling. I waited all day for that feeling. I went to bed hoping this exuberant feeling of comfort and calm would come over me. It did not. 

I am slowly starting the process of finding a more permanent home for me. A place to call my own, where I can finally unpack all the boxes from my 2 bedroom condo in New Hampshire. It is a weird process though since I physically still have a home in New Hampshire. I am hesitant to pull the trigger on any place here (which in this current market- hesitation does not work in your favor). I am waiting to feel more settled but maybe after a huge life change, you just have to slowly put the pieces back in place to feel settled again.

What does home mean to you? Is it merely a physical place? Or is it emotional for you? Could you call anywhere home?